How am I really?
I should kick myself for not writing more.

I ust had my pain meds increased to 200mcg patches of Fentanyl every 3 days, had Percocet increased to cover the breakthrough pain and I'm hanging in.

I've gotten very weak and very tired. I feel bad because even the small chores I once could do just aren't getting done.

I'm still as lonely as hell although I had a visit from a college friend. We weren't real close in college but he was a good friend of my room mate. He has been a lifesaver and even when I don't see him he e-mails me. I found out one of my dear friendships was affected by the political sign I put on my lawn. I don't have time to deal with friends like that. The town republicans were all upset we are supporting the Democrat running for First Selectman. He helped us deal with the developer next door. Many republicans promised us help during the last campaign but laughed at my wife and called her names when she turned to them for help. She got upset when they say they would do nothing so they called her crazy. Those who we were real close to told us how upset the Republicans were - if they were so concerned about us why did they never visit, call or help when we needed it. This is America and we have the right to support the candidate of our choice. We only turned to the republicans last campaign because we liked the man running for office the last time around. I don't know the current candidate nor did he bother to campaign at my house. I am upset but I shouldn't let it bother me. I thought my dear firedns were above such pettiness. They even tried to get me to file a legal inquest against this same democrat during the last election. I never thought it was right so I never filed it. I guess I was their patsy.

Somedays I feel like giving up. It is so boring and lonely. I love my family but it is hard on them - especially my son who does not understand when I don't feel well. He can not remember when I was healthy but he also can not comprehend my illness. I cry at night thinking about what my family will do when I am gone. I picture the worst although I know my wife is strong. She deals with all the family problems now.

I keep getting jury duty mail and have mailed letters in the past from my doctor but they keep on sending the letters and threatening jail. Some filing system they must have.

I work on my genealogy and try to keep a smile on my face. I try not to go out of my mind with the monotomy of my life. I keep trying.